Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
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Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
A Short Story.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today