“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
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[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Just me and my debit card against the world
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Received some very disappointing news today
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.