Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
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I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.