Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
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Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
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3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
📽️movie date🎞️
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Donating blood today to make room for more food
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows: