‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
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Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
why am I working on Labor Day
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho