I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
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Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
oh shit
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?