Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
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Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.