I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
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The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book