I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
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You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.