why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
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When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Yup.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.