My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
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Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
When you don’t understand how floors work
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
I falcon love using swear birds