A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
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Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
yall want some gasoline milk
Isn’t
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
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Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.