[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
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Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
no refunds
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
This is what makes twitter great
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Most fashion shows these days…
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.