Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
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why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
im all 3
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.