Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
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3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie