Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
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I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard