Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
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marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
I like crazy people until they notice me
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Breakfast for Stoners:
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.