OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
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Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.