Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
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I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…