Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
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Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?