#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
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I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.