FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
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I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
apparently this year was written by stephen king
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet