“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
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An owl showing some catlike behavior.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
✌🏽
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it