Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
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date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody