Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
You Might Also Like
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
two people or more is called a problem
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling