Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
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My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.