Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
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“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.