If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
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My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.