3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
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Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
New menu item
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..