My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
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My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.