Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
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There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude