WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
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Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.