The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
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🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.