“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
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teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.