I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
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Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.