The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
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Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
😂💯
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
I bet
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese