if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
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Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea