Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
You Might Also Like
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.