Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
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Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
We need more people like this.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”