Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
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them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.