the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
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Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Good point.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Something Saturday.