As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
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“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
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