Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
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STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Merica.
oh my gosh!!
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Ladies, why y’all do this?
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.