I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
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My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
That time Alicia messaged me
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?