The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
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Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
I feel attacked.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?