* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
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cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.