When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
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[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!