Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
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I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.