On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
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Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
bury ourselves
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.