The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
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The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Guantanamo Bae
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.